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Saturday, 22 November 2014


Have you ever felt alone as a woman? No I'm not talking about the missing piece or emptiness. Alone from feeling unsupported. Despite facing scores of issues by yourself. Overcoming them makes you feel strong , independent. makes you brave and proud of yourself.
What happens when you have been this way every single day of your life? What if one day I just want to be myself. I don't want to strong. I don't want to be brave and put up a front.

You don't have to be hit or named called to feel abused. The countless eyeballs that gawk at you with the most deprave smirks on their faces. You know this situation. You've been there ever since you were 12. Then why despite all those years of experience you shudder. Paranoia clouds your mind. You do the whole cycle again. Pretend, ignore and keep walking.

Then why last night when I was already programmed to go through this same cycle , tears swarmed my eyes?

On several occasions I have been accompanied by my father. It hurts even when he tells me 'ignore them'. What can you do except ignore? Till how long can you ignore?

I'm waiting for a friend. I'm alone. I light a cigarette to kill time. Bad idea. People are staring at me even more with judgments running in their eyes. I give them a reason to stare. Or did I?
I feel darkness surround me. I'm alone. Well , not really. Someone is following me. There are people around but still I am followed. I'm praying hard my friend shows up any minute now.

Some days I think fuck society and it's norms. I will do as I like. I dye my hair colours of the rainbow. I get stared at. It's just hair, nothing provocative! My eyeliner gets darker and thicker. I still get stared at. It's just kohl! What's the big deal! I wore kurtas and salwar kameez  everyday. I got stared at the same. Nothing changed.

It makes me want to scream. In fact , this one time I did scream. I was followed again. For 3 days by a strange car. Day in and day out, where ever I went. I was followed so closely that I could feel my heart pounding in my ears.

Helpless. Ignoring them is as good as encouragement. Fighting it means pushing myself into deeper trouble.

In the sea of ' ignore them ' chants I feel alone. What I want to feel is a safe alone, a comfortable alone, a Utopian alone where I am enveloped by an invisibility guard or safety net so I can be alone as I like.  Alone , so that my boyfriend if he was running late didn't have to worry if I was okay for those 10 minutes that he missed. Alone, so that my mother doesn't have to think much about her sister who is waiting for her driver. Alone , so that my little nieces go to madrasa or school or tuitions walking by themselves.

Hope is slowly slipping from me.

I want to be alone

خُدا حافِظ

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