These Constellations We Call Scars

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 

― Rumi

Take off my clothes and stand in front of a full sized mirror. I can't even observe my body for a good 5 minutes without complaining.  Stripped down, not even a speck of concealer or mascara, I stare at my face and body, my imperfections glare back at me.
He doesn't miss a chance to call me beautiful, even when I'm scrubbed down of makeup. I have a hard time believing him. He could be saying this to keep my heart, sweetheart that he is.
My teens have marked me. I thought they would stop right there but I kept accumulating them year after year. My back is so stained, there's isn't an inch of plain skin. Backless clothes are off-limits for sure.
On my quiet days he declares back rubs. I cringe a bit. He doesn't say a word like absolutely nothing is wrong and here I am, lying face down, losing my sanity. ' FOR GOD'S SAKE, SAY SOMETHING!!!' my mind shrieks.
Décolletage. So delicate, so feminine. Not for me. I'm stained there too. I wear plunging necklines nonetheless, but I know when someones gaze does drift to my bosom its because they are staring at my marks.
In queues or crowds, people standing around whose eyes couldn't miss scars so prominent, would wince or randomly ask me what happened, followed by advice and dermatologist reccomendations.
Trust me when I say this, there's no fun living with insecurities.
Teenage Mehreen would have tried everything possible to get rid of the scars. Everyone said ' Time will fade them '. Fade them. Not erase them.  It takes a lot to be able to finally accept your imperfections as what defines you. In my younger days, I was surrounded by people who aimed to be flawless and just like sheep in a flock, I thought that was the only way to be.
Self loving came from a unprecedented corner. Months ago, a taller stranger stood behind me and exclaimed quite loudly. 'your scars are beautiful!'. I turn around to source the voice. ' they're absolutely amazing ' *snap* he immediately takes a picture and shows it to me.  I gaze at the camera screen, completely bewildered. ' You shouldn't hide them, you know. Show them off more often '
What a strange piece of advice! Such peculiar compliments.  I stood there stammering and stuttering unable to decide if I should thank him or deem his as moronic.
Days go by, drenched in my heavy schedule with minimum time devoted to beauty rituals. The scars on my body are the last thing on my mind and in the past few months, I didn't do much to them either. If they were the last thing on my mind, then what does that mean? It really isn't that important.
Self acceptance had begun for me even before I realized it and I fully intend to keep it that way.
Our scars and imperfections are our character. It's what makes us different. They design us, define us, enhance us, complete us.
How can you get rid of something if it's such an integral part of you? The fact that we aren't so perfect is what makes us human.

So now if anyone has a problem with my flaws, it's going to be their problem. Not mine.

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Book Review: The Silent Scream by Siddhartha Garg

Pages :  199

Read on : Kindle

Goodreads Rating : 4.43/5

Review: Anyone and everyone who knows me, knows that one of the core themes of my writing is feminism. Women's and children's issues are something I bleed for with words. Although I must admit, I haven't put my foot into something as raw as 'The Silent Scream'. 

Whatever I know about feminism and child rights, comes from my formal education in journalism and everything I observed during my trips in India. We are stringently told how vile child abuse is, we write stories on them, we read stories about them, we hear of them, yet we fumble when it comes to handling them because of how fragile the victim is. It's like trying to erase angry permanent marker lines from a whiteboard. Rub, rub, rub but it still leaves the stain.

'The Silent Scream' is a compilation of similar gruesome tales of the unimaginable adversities no child should ever face, yet it happened. I have ever so often mentioned on my blog, how crimes are not as simple as they seem. Reading this book felt like repeated punches in my gut. There were times when I would get chills and urge to put it down, just so that those heinous crimes would be out of mind but I couldn't. This is reality and this exactly what it feels like. May be even worse. For the sake of knowing more, I had to go on.

It's a fairly quick read, the stories are short and gripping enough to concisely address the severity of the issues looming currently. The author tries to address the concept of abuse from every possible angle there is. However, its known to us that if we were to get into the different forms of abuse that follow, a never ending series would be in order. The language is simple enough, with ample introductory explanations of all the possible crimes a young one might be exposed to. The author tries to delve into how and why people commit such crimes. The conflicts that push these perpetuators to carryout the impermissible, how to identify the possible perpetuators and the first signs of abuse that show in the behavioral shift of your child. Everything that you need to know first-hand is in the book.

 What I find as a major plus in the book are the last few chapters that focus on how parents can shelter their children from such harm, what can be done to avoid the lurking risks and most importantly, how to be open and available to your children when they reach out to you. I say this because till the 90s, Indian parenting was pretty hard. If we look back to our younger days, we are now better equipped to assess what was right or wrong or how we should have handle it.

On another note, even though 'The Silent Scream' is written in third person, I did find it a tad bit more opinionated than how it should have been. Too many opinions at times could be seen as assertive and angsty. Also, as far research content goes, I was expecting stronger and streamlined sources. Details are graphic in places required with which I feel is necessary just because the nature of the crime is so.

I wouldn't call the book a novel or self help. It could probably fit the category of long-form journalism. Just an FYI. 

Nonetheless, I urge people, yes, everyone. Read it. Have an understanding of how simple thing escape our eyes. Its definitely a good place to start.

 Final Rating : 3/5

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Book Review: Suspended Animation by Shweta Ganesh Kumar

Pages :  116

Read on : Kindle

Goodreads Rating : 4.75/5

Review:  Lately I've been on a time crunch and if you are someone who is in the same boat as I am, you will welcome 'Suspended Animation' as a breath of fresh air. For several reasons.I'm a sucker for anthologies. Short stories to me are what summer flings are to most people. They pack so much in a few pages while keeping it simple.  I dream of starting my writing journey, IF ONLY someone approached me to contribute to an anthology. 

'Suspended Animation' as of now, stands to be my favourite.The stories are of ordinary people, like us, stuck in a loop or some memory or in search of something they desire, may be not aggressively in all cases, but still in a rut. It makes me reflect on some incidents that might have occurred in my life, even though they happened years ago, it still managed to imprint my mind and I found more reasons to bring them up in conversations with strangers. This book encapsulates those instances precisely!

The trick with short stories is that you really have to understand the theme behind the words. What the author is trying to convey. They mostly carry the air of emotion with as little description as possible. Focus has to be tight. Here are people who are still living in an unfinished memory, still anticipating closure or completion while time is zooming past by. Yet it is hard for the them to get out of this lull. There's waiting, for something, anything to happen, good or bad and the uncertainty running parallel. 

My personal favourites were all the stories that took place in Kerala, because Southern India makes gorgeous backdrops with added character and the one that takes place in Scotland. Anthologies are quick in reading nature, since they are so concise, the urge to keep going is very high. However, I do feel that one or two of the stories could be exempted from this collection, just to stay as close to topic as possible.

 On another note, it definitely is a highly relatable read, we know the characters, the people and situations very well in all our lives. I'll be re-reading 'Suspended Animation' for sure. Recommended to all.

 Final Rating : 4/5

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Top 5 Books That Make You Think

Sometimes these 'TOP 5' lists really challenge me to crunch everything I read and love. Every time I skim through my Read list, I realize I love more books that I'm allowed to mention.
For books that make me think, I've tried my best to stir things up a bit and offer you guys as much of a variety as I could. So here goes:

5. Suspended Animation by Shweta Ganesh Kumar

Probably my most favorite anthology ever. These simple stories will leave you thinking about how people are stuck in time even though the world is whizzing past them rapidly. Often we hold on to incidents for too long and find the smallest reasons or excuse to talk about them or bring them up.  Few life reflections were made on my part. Review to be up on the blog soon!

4. Uglies by Scott Westerfeld

Although I wasn't as big of a fan of this series as the other booktubers and bloggers, I've got to say, it did make me think about the whole concept of beauty and the possible extreme levels it could reach in the future. In this world where perfection and beauty are the highest demand with lurking government agenda, being average or normal with flaws is the only way to keep your sanity. Again, if you are someone who is intrigued by concepts like 'who is beautiful and by what standards,' you should definitely check this out.

3. The Moor's Last Sigh by Salman Rushdie

Why a Salman Rushdie book you may wonder. We all know the man is anything but simple. Characters so beautiful and intriguing even in the most hurtful ways makes me want to jump into his stories. However, the reason why The Moor's Last Sigh lingered was for Uma Saraswati. Not a big role but a pivotal one. Enough to wreck havoc like no tomorrow. It's a case that just cannot be closed in my head. She loved him,  she controlled him like a master puppeteer, then why did she hurt him so much? Why did she want to be with him and then ultimately drink poison for her wrong doings? She's one female character whom I could never understand and never forget

2. 1984 by George Orwell

Of course. How could there be a list without me mentioning 1984 by George Orwell. It does make you think for ample reasons. The technological advancements, the security system and the control over people. Forcing them to stay in the system in pure misery void of any personal development, growth or remote chances of encouragement. A genuine pioneer in the dystopian genre. It wouldn't hit you when you read it but once you are through, the severity of it all will stay with you.

1. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov 

Like I've mentioned on some of my older posts, this is not an easy one to digest and thats what also makes it my favorite. Here's a book, written decades ago that makes you feel for a Paedophile. What most people fail to see is that Nabokov is not glorifying his protagonists. They're awful people with terrible choices, he wants you to see that, understand them entirely, feel for them and eventually hate them for what they do. Its a real challenge to just read Lolita and thinking about it after is a different roller coaster ride by itself. Nonetheless, I will not be able to forget this for years to come.

What books made you think? I'd read your favourites.

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Top 5 Books I'd Save in a Fire

Feels like it's been eons since I did one of these. The minute I knew of this week's topic, I had to get to it.  The list is fairly strange for once and mostly here due to the sentimental value they hold.

5. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

I loved everything about The Help. Loved the movie as much. Each character was so poignant irrespective of what kind of role they played. I haven't really professed my love for this book as much I probably should do. Stockett has written this keeping in mind the Jackson, Mississippi accent and also doesn't shy away from switching viewpoints. The Help will make you laugh, make you cry and it will touch your heart for certain.

4. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I just got this book! The timing couldn't be anymore perfect. I was heading to the mall to buy this, saw the parking situation and opted to buy it the next day. Little did I know that the very next day I would receive the same as a gift! Just my luck I'd say! I've heard nothing but fabulous things about it and can't wait to get on with it!

3. A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth

The reason I'd save this in a fire because it's the biggest book I own, also something that wouldn't burn easily. I've only read it halfway through since it manages to either suffocate me because of my reading stance or requires relocation in order to pursue it without interruptions. Nonetheless, I can't say I haven't enjoyed his writing so far.

2. The Client by John Grisham

One of my very first reads that made me feel like I had evolved to better literary material. Fun fact: do you know how in 12th grade you had to get all your dues cleared in order to get your finals hall ticket? Turns out I did not returned this to my school library and surprisingly the Librarian didn't even know! Ha! I still have that book with all the library tags on them! So that deserves the 2nd position.

1. The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

How. Just how is it possible that something so simple and short could be the perfect life guide?! I neglected this for the longest time and now I even got a beautiful burgundy hard cover copy of The Prophet for my dad since he's been such a heavy endorser and promoter of it. He says that this book is based on the verses of the Holy Quran but a simplified version of it, written in a format that is relatable to anyone regardless of their beliefs or what they follow. That too something that was written in the 1920s!

What books would you save in case of fire? I'd love to know.

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Lonely Girl, Going Home.

23rd January, 2 am, a strange city.

    I'm out at a friend's hotel catching up over drinks and eventually realize time has swiftly passed by. I decline all offers to be dropped home knowing that once I step out I will get a rickshaw. My hotel was just 2 kms away. At the least I could walk it. How bad could it be? 

      It couldn't be. Except, it was 2 am, in an unknown city and not a soul in sight. 

Cold crisp winter night, eery silence and a lonely girl. My toes are exposed. No shoes, just flip flops. I pull my jacket closer to me, cover my head with my stole, I suck in the cold air and decide to walk. Ignore everything and keep walking, hoping that a rickshaw will stop by. 

  

   I walk a few meters when I hear tires. I see high beam lights to my left, I know the car will stop beside me. I can hear it slowing down.I pretend not to notice and keep walking. Keep walking till I can't tell if I'm shivering from the cold or fear. 

  

They stop beside me, roll down the window " Do you want us to drop you somewhere?" Two young men in blazers ask me. " No, I'm okay. Thanks" I reply  'please go away' I prayed.

" Look, it's really late and there's no one around who could help you. We will take you wherever it is you're going, no problem"

" Errm, if you really want to help, then help me find a rickshaw."

" Don't think you can get one at this hour. Listen. Come with us. We'll drop you safe and sound"

The severity of the situation looms over me. No rickshaw, need to go home. Either I take a risk by getting in their car or take a risk by walking.  With a silent prayer in my heart, I get in their car. 

" I'm Amit and this is Piyush. Where do you have to go? " they ask.

" Radisson. Oh and I'm Mehreen " 

" Mehreen, don't mind us asking but why were you out all by yourself?" 

" I was meeting a friend, thought I'd get an auto as easily as I did the last time. Didn't happen"

" Are you okay? Did anyone hurt you or harass you? Are you hungry or thirsty? Anything, let us know. Hope nothing bad happened to you while you were out. Be safe Mehreen."

Ironic, you could probably be the trouble you are warning me against.

They kept asking me questions of my well-being. I didn't know what to think of this, are they probing me out of concern or .....

 We reach my hotel. I have never been so delighted to see hotel security guards, valet and bell boys in my life. 

" Okay Mehreen, here you go. Take care and please be safe. Bye "

I nod my head vigorously, take the elevator, unlock my room and light a smoke to calm my nerves. 

You're okay. You're fine. You were lucky as fuck.

I envelope myself in the comfort of my duvet. 

*

I know what you are thinking. This girl needs one tight slap across her face or needs to be grounded. I took a risk. A chance I once claimed I'd never do, just like any other girl  because I feared the implications. I agree, it wasn't the smartest move on my part. Here are two guys who genuinely helped me without any selfish intent. If anything they were constantly worried about my well being but I was so distraught that couldn't see this nor was I buying it.

After being harassed, cat-called, felt up, irrespective of day or night,it's really hard for a woman to trust unknown people.The time after sundown is such that it invokes all kinds of fear.  I didn't believe there would ever be a situation where the kindness of strange men would prevail at such dark hours. You can't blame me for this and I know I'm not alone in thinking so.

It did make me ponder on a Vogue Empower short film called ' Going Home' starring Alia Bhatt that circulated on social media. ( Watch it here ). Just like every other girl, I too believed that this type of feminine utopia would be a dream. The ideal world. Till it actually happened to me. 

I'm not saying that it's still safe out there, nor am I encouraging anyone to take a chance. The conflict I am left with is much greater. I trusted someone and they withheld it. I am so grateful that even now when I think of it I still wish good things for them because good work shouldn't go unrewarded.

However, it did make me realize that going home safely was not impossible but would I do it again? Despite the partial ' restoration in faith ', I still wouldn't.

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Top 5 Literary Friend Groups You Want To Be A Part Of

A really hard choice. I have read so many fantastic books with such brilliant characters that I wished they were real people or just hoped I matched their cool factor.

Not all the books mentioned have a friend group as such. They are mostly duos or trios which I did feel is just right.

5. The God Of Small Things by Arundhati Roy

Good lord! Will I shut up about this book already?! I have reviewed and mentioned this book on numerous occasions yet I had to do it again. Rahel an Esthappen are peculiar with this intelligence that I wouldn't have possessed at their age and that's what intrigued me the most. I would love to be a part of this eccentric duo just to know better of their in-sync functioning.

4.Cress by Marissa Meyer

The third installment in the Lunar Chronicles, all the characters here come together in this book before getting to the final 'princess'. Cress, Scarlet, Cinder, Iko, Wolf, Dr. Erland and Captain Thorne all of them are never on the same thinking range but united by a common cause. When the situation arises they are no less of a dream team. Being a part of this group would be amazing considering I get to be on a flying spaceship and get to shuttle between the Earth and Moon.

3. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

An iconic book with brilliant characters. Each one of them so well written. Stockett is a genius for being able to make these women so easy to connect with, so much so you begin to care about them. The unusual friendship of Skeeter, Aibileen and Minny is like how I would want it to be when I'm older. Laughing at the smallest jokes and looking out for each other like sisters. Bonds so strong that it outlasts blood relations.

2. Looking for Alaska by John Green

My second John Green book and Man! does he know how to write friendship or what! I'm one of those people who feels that his books are a tad bit commercial for my taste. The plot often falls through, however his consistency in writing people, youngsters who aren't overtly preppy is commendable.  Alaska, Pudge, The Colonel, even Hazel and Augustus, I want to be friends with them all. I want to be a part of the atmosphere they create and I don't want to leave it.

1.The  Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

One of the best Coming-of-age tale I have come across. Charlie is a thinker, ahead of of his years and an introvert. Apart from this being his story, Sam and Patrick form a major component of his life and the book as well. The three accept each other as they while battling their own issues. As a reader, we do get a fair glimpse of all three of their lives and get to understand why this friendship is so beautiful. 

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