Alone

Have you ever felt alone as a woman? No I'm not talking about the missing piece or emptiness. Alone from feeling unsupported. Despite facing scores of issues by yourself. Overcoming them makes you feel strong , independent. makes you brave and proud of yourself.
What happens when you have been this way every single day of your life? What if one day I just want to be myself. I don't want to strong. I don't want to be brave and put up a front.

You don't have to be hit or named called to feel abused. The countless eyeballs that gawk at you with the most deprave smirks on their faces. You know this situation. You've been there ever since you were 12. Then why despite all those years of experience you shudder. Paranoia clouds your mind. You do the whole cycle again. Pretend, ignore and keep walking.

Then why last night when I was already programmed to go through this same cycle , tears swarmed my eyes?

On several occasions I have been accompanied by my father. It hurts even when he tells me 'ignore them'. What can you do except ignore? Till how long can you ignore?

I'm waiting for a friend. I'm alone. I light a cigarette to kill time. Bad idea. People are staring at me even more with judgments running in their eyes. I give them a reason to stare. Or did I?
I feel darkness surround me. I'm alone. Well , not really. Someone is following me. There are people around but still I am followed. I'm praying hard my friend shows up any minute now.

Some days I think fuck society and it's norms. I will do as I like. I dye my hair colours of the rainbow. I get stared at. It's just hair, nothing provocative! My eyeliner gets darker and thicker. I still get stared at. It's just kohl! What's the big deal! I wore kurtas and salwar kameez  everyday. I got stared at the same. Nothing changed.

It makes me want to scream. In fact , this one time I did scream. I was followed again. For 3 days by a strange car. Day in and day out, where ever I went. I was followed so closely that I could feel my heart pounding in my ears.

Helpless. Ignoring them is as good as encouragement. Fighting it means pushing myself into deeper trouble.

In the sea of ' ignore them ' chants I feel alone. What I want to feel is a safe alone, a comfortable alone, a Utopian alone where I am enveloped by an invisibility guard or safety net so I can be alone as I like.  Alone , so that my boyfriend if he was running late didn't have to worry if I was okay for those 10 minutes that he missed. Alone, so that my mother doesn't have to think much about her sister who is waiting for her driver. Alone , so that my little nieces go to madrasa or school or tuitions walking by themselves.

Hope is slowly slipping from me.

I want to be alone

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Blue

Artist : Audrey DeFord

I see you in blue.

With all your hair cut off, 

I see you in blue.

On a dark star-less night,

Waiting for something you haven't called for,

Seeking for something you haven't summoned for,

Looking for something that has no idea you are waiting for,

On a windless night.

I see you in blue.

A Persian blue that washes you out,

Highlights the whirlpools of your eyes,

On a moonless night,

I see you in blue.

Time is slipping by, 

The eerie silence of the night,

You don't cease to bide your time,

And I still see you in blue.

Book Review : Every Day by David Levithan

Pages :  322

Read on : Kindle

Goodreads Rating : 4/5

Review :  Oh. My. God. This book was so unexpectedly beautiful that even now writing about it makes my heart heavy. Of course I picked it up for the unique story line. Little did I expect it to have such a lasting impression on me.

A is a person who wakes up in a new body everyday from the time he was born. We aren't told A's gender or age or any details of him that may define him as an individual. He has no friends , no idea where his family is and confides in no one about his condition. Until one day he wakes up in 17 year old Justin's body and meets his girlfriend Rhiannon and falls in love with her immediately.

There are plenty of YA fantasy and dystopian authors with the most compelling and mind boggling plot line but not many have been this poignant. 

This book is real. The situations that arise in this book are all relatable. A struggles in professing his love for Rhiannon and most of the time though Rhiannon eventually accepts it , the everyday changes in A makes it really difficult for her to be in a  consistent relationship. There are days when A becomes a woman , on those days he ( assuming ) notices that Rhiannon keeps a slight distance from him. There are days when A  may be an older guy , a disabled person , an obese teenager , a metal head , a maid , an alcoholic, a drug addict. He's lost count of all the people he has been , all the areas he has been in. But somehow , although not always he manages to make an effort and tries to be with Rhiannon and every time she sees him she needs to process who exactly he is ever so frequently. As a protagonist, A doesnt whine or constantly complaining about his condition , he has a very clear strategy to which he strictly adheres to and truly tries to  take the day as it comes.

The helplessness of the situation is heartbreaking but true. Just like in our day-to-day life ,we may have come across people who we really wish had stayed but it just didn't happen.This book primarily and on the whole questions the choices we make , who we are and what it's like to be in someone else's shoes. Time being an essential component in the novel also makes you realize the value of being just ordinary , of being just okay.

Seeing that most love stories , great love stories included, have either ended in cliched triumph or in death , this is one story where it has been abandoned due to situation, which genuinely and realistically tells you that love cannot conquer it all. So don't be surprised by the slightly philosophical shades in the book. 

Since the main topic is about not being able to have a fixed body of their own , the relationship between A and Rhiannon is very tender. There aren't a whole lot of times when Rhiannon has been physically attracted to him and A is hesitant in being intimate with her because he feels using someone else's body would be morally wrong. 

Rumor has it that David Levithan is set to publish a sequel to this book in 2015. Although the urge to know what will happen next and what other avenues A might explore in order to control his condition and be with Rhiannon  , I see this book as an excellent stand-alone. Yes , most readers might be annoyed by the fact that not a lot has been justified and all  arisen questions may have been left unanswered but that's the beauty of it! 

I personally feel that this book would be excellent for a book club discussion. The opinions and views that each one would have would be extremely diverse with a tinge of one's own philosophical essence. Some would want to nit pick on every detail and explore the driving force behind A's actions and some would want to try to work within the situation. A likely chance that an array of opinions would highlight  every possible angle in the story. Either way this book is a must read for all. Highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. 

Final Rating : 5/5

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